'Tis A Gift To Be Single

 “‘Tis a gift To Be Single”

 Message @ Jericho Ridge Community Church –Sunday, April 22, 2018

Text: I Corinthians 7: // Series: Song of Songs

Good morning.  Welcome here. My name is Brad, I’m part of the teaching and leadership team here at Jericho Ridge.  This morning, we are going to spend time talking about one of the suburban church’s dirty little secrets.

When I was 13 years old, we moved from a small town in northern BC to a suburb of Toronto called Oakville.  Then when I was 18, I came out here to go to university and have been in Langley ever since.  So right off the top, I want you to realize that I am a product of suburbia.  I have only ever pastored in suburban contexts, I spend my entire adult life in suburban landscapes, being most attuned to the rhythms of life of suburbia.  But if you pause to think about it for a few minutes, suburban Canada is built upon a few assumptions.  For example, when I was in high school I worked at the Keg in Oakville.  And we were trained to ask as people came through the door “Party of 2?”.  Just up the road from where I worked was a famous golf course and it had a policy that you could only book a tee time if there were 2 or 4 people.  The kind of homes that fill up vast quantities of space in suburban Canada are referred to with the intriguing phrase “single family homes”. 

You see, suburbia is built mostly on the premise that people go into their adult life, they find a partner, they get married, they buy a condo, then they have children and buy a townhome, then the get a dog or a cat, and they buy a home with a 2 car garage, a white picket fence and they live happily ever after.  But what happens when your life doesn’t follow that script?

In 2016, the last year in which national census data is available for Canada, we see that

• 9 million households (out of 14 million) are comprised of one person Think about that for a moment.  4 out of 14 homes have 1 person living in them.  The data also tells us that nationally, 
• 4 million Canadians are single (versus 16.8 million who are married or live common law)

That’s a lot of “single ladies, all the single ladies put your hands up (Byonce).

But that’s nationally, you might say…  What about here in Willoughby? 

• In our census tract area, 57% of people are single adults over the age of 15! Remember our census tract includes two universities
• And yet who comprises most of the churches in Langley?

Here’s the dirty little secret. Single adults sometimes feel lost in suburbia.

Here at Jericho Ridge we are in the middle of a teaching series in the Old Testament book Song of Solomon or Song of Songs.  Where we are exploring human sexuality, love and marriage and what it means to be created in the image of God.  BUT when you step back and think about it… There are three main characters in the Song of Songs

1. Young man (single for most of the book)
2. Young woman (single for most of the book)
3. Daughters / Young Women of Jerusalem

      (young, single friends of the young woman)

As much as pastor Wally preached about marriage last weekend, this is a book about adults who are single!  Granted, two of them are clearly in a romantic relationship that they appear to consummate martially and sexually towards the end of this Old Testament book, but at least for a period of time, it appears that they are functioning as single adults.    

 But we have this fascinating sub-text of the Women or Daughters of Jerusalem who are a group of young, single women who keep interjecting in this conversation.  Sometimes it is in the form of a conversational interchange between the young woman and the daughters of Jerusalem.  For example if you turn to Song of Songs chapter 5:8 we read

“Make this promise, O women of Jerusalem—     If you find my lover, tell him I am weak with love.”

“Why is your lover better than all others, O woman of rare beauty? What makes your lover so special that we must promise this?”                                         (Song of Songs 5:8-9)

Then sometimes, the daughters of Jerusalem are talking on their own…

Daughters of Jerusalem:

• “Where has your lover gone, O woman of rare beauty? Which way did he turn so we can help you find him?” (Song of Songs 6:1)
• “Who is this sweeping in from the desert, leaning on her lover?” (Song of Songs 8:5)

What’s really interesting about the Song is that it’s hard to track who is speaking and what is happening!  It’s not quite a linear plot and it certainly doesn’t follow the conventions of other books of the Bible.  It’s ancient Hebrew love poetry designed to give us insight into the beauty and power of sexual and romantic love.  But if that is the case we need to ask, does that book have anything to say to the single adults amongst us?  Or is this yet another example of the suburban church focusing on that well-worn pathway of love and marriage at the exclusion of the singles amongst us?

In a minute, we’re going to see that the Song has several key pieces of advice for the single adult but one thing we can also say is that the Daughters of Jerusalem’s Their participation in the conversation gives us two key insights into the Song of Songs…

• The love of these two merits praise

In other words, relationships of all kinds are no private affair.  Last weekend, Pastor Wally reminded us that what we do with our sexuality maters to God.  We are reminded by the conversation between the young woman and the young woman’s friends that in a Christian community, “what one does with one’s sexuality is from a biblical perspective, more than a private, personal thing.  It has widespread social implications.”  Commentator Dennis Kinlaw says “Biblically, when a lover gives himself to his believed as these two have done, the relationship of each has changed the whole of the human race. That is what traditionally in our culture a wedding cannot be performed without witnesses… [Relationships] are public affairs”  The single adult friends of the women get a front row set to her relationship with this young man and they also have, as her friends, the authority and the capacity to speak into it.  And they like what they are seeing develop.  Their love is a beautiful and healthy thing and it merits praise. 

The other thing we learn from their participation in the conversation is that

• The guy she is chasing is HOT! He is goooood looking!
  • “Who is this sweeping in from the wilderness like a cloud of smoke? Who is it, fragrant with myrrh and frankincense and every kind of spice? 7 Look, it is Solomon’s carriage, surrounded by sixty heroic men, the best of Israel’s soldiers.”

Again, the images and metaphors that they use may seem very odd to us but they would have made perfect sense in an ancient culture that is not as forward in talking about human sexuality as we are in the 21^st century.  They use euphemistic language but we still get the picture… The young man and the young woman love each other.  We’re going to see over the next few weekends, that we actually get a picture of masculinity and a picture of femininity that is helpful for us out of all of these word pictures. 

But more importantly, we also gain from these conversations, so key pieces of a biblical Advice to the Single Adult.  We see three of them here in the Song and then we’ll follow up with some wisdom that Paul shares in the New Testament before wrapping up with a word to both our single adults and those who are not currently single.  Are you with me? Good.  So the first piece of advice for the Single adult from the Song is to

1. Work at being content in your current circumstances

One of the things to pay attention to when you read the Bible is how many times a theme or phrase comes up.  And the most often repeated phrase or theme in the Song is the young woman speaking to her single friends and asking them to make her a promise.  She says:

• “Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and wild deer, not to awaken love until the time is right.” (Song of Songs 3:5 & 8:4)

Do not awaken love until the time is right.  In other words, if now isn’t your time to be in a relationship, work at being content in your current circumstances.  If you are currently single, your singleness may well be unintended or unwanted. You might find yourself single due to divorce, separation or death.  You might have chosen the path of singleness, which has a long and noble history in the Christian monastic tradition.  But the advice the Song gives is to be content in your current state.  Always worrying about or wanting what you don’t have is a recipe for frustration.  Trying to force a relationship to bear the weight of a romantic relationship or a sexual relationship before it is ready for that is unwise and unhealthy.  In chapter 2:15, the young women use a word image to convey this:  They speak about love being like a vineyard and they warn about the presence of little foxes running around in that vineyard during the spring time when the vines are just starting to blossom and how these little foxes can ruin a vineyard because they are in there at the wrong time.  What they are saying is that timing is everything.  Students, if you are too young for a romantic relationship, don’t try to awaken love before it is time.  If you are a single adult, be aware of the season of life you are in and don’t rush out of it simply to fit into a cultural expectations of pairing off.  Don’t awaken love before it is time.  If you do desire marriage, wait for the right person instead of acting out of fear or desperation that there may not being other fish in the sea.  Work at being content in your current circumstances. 

2. Work at being genuinely happy for your friends who are experiencing romantic love

This can be hard work because sometimes people in love like to shove it in your face.  They are the ones ALWAYS posting about their significant other on Instgram or their lover is the only thing they ever talk about when you go out for coffee with them.  It can be easy to feel like a third wheel.  But the young women of Jerusalem are not jealous or bitter that others have found love, they express their genuine joy in the relationship:

• “How happy we are for you, O king. We praise your love even more than wine.” (1:4)
• “Oh, lover and beloved, eat and drink! Yes, drink deeply of your love!” (5:1)

Just like being content, being genuinely happy for others can be hard work.  So here’s a word for those of you in relationships, could you make it a bit easier for your single friends?  Talk about something other than your kids or your spouse.  Make a genuine effort to care about what it going on in their world and not simply broadcast about your own.  Thirdly,

3. Don’t minimize or deny any sense of loss you might be experiencing

At some point in the song, it appears that the young woman and the young man consummate their marriage ceremonially and sexually.  And at this point, the relationship between the Daughters of Jerusalem and the young woman changes forever. They are not as close as they once were.  The ground shifts so that the young man is the centre of the young woman’s attention and affection.  And there are refrains of loss in the text: In 6:15 

• “Return, return to us, O maid of Shulam. Come back, come back, that we may see you again!” (Young Women in Song of Songs 6:15)

As a culture, we don’t grieve loss very well.  We tend to deny or minimize or rush past in or busy ourselves with things to distract us.  But if you are a single adult and you loose a relationship that you thought was going somewhere; or if you are single not by choice but because of death or separation or divorce; take the time necessary to grieve that loss.  Stuffing it down or pretending it didn’t or isn’t happening is not healthy for your soul.  Don’t deny any sense of loss you might be experiencing.  

Those are three pieces of advice to the singles here that are perhaps more cautionary in tone – be content, be happy for others, and learn to grieve well.  But there is also some excellent and parallel advice in the New Testament Advice to the Single Adult

If we move into the New Testament world, we see that many of our main characters are single.  Jesus was single, the Apostle Paul was a single adult and so turn with me to I Corinthians 7, where Paul discusses his relationship status: 

“But I wish everyone were single, just as I am.  Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another. 8 So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. 9 But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry.    It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.” 
                             - Paul in I Corinthians 7:7-9 NLT

The Christian community in the first century city of Corinth has written a list of questions to the Apostle Paul and one question is about singleness…  Should a person marry of stay single?  So Paul replies to them and says “It’s a good thing to be married, but It’s also an incredible gift to be single.  Their question to Paul is “should we get married or stay single?” and Paul says in 7:26, I think it might be best if you remain as you are (be content) BUT if you want to get married, I guess that’s not a SIN!” J. 

Think about that for a moment: Paul begins his discussion on marriage and sexual ethics by elevating and giving preferential status to people who are single.  Let’s talk about this for just a minute, church, and let’s be frank.  In this season of Jericho Ridge’s life, it can be a very hard to be a single adult here.  There are families everywhere.  Pregnant and married people everywhere and this can send of a subtle or not so subtle signal as to who is welcome here.  The suburban North American church, Jericho included, has been guilty at times of orbiting around and bending everting toward families with kids.  But it also can become something that verges on idolatry if it placed too high in our minds and hearts.  By elevating one category – families or women who have children – we can inadvertently make others feel marginalized.  Those who choose not to have kids.  Those who are single – by choice or by life circumstance.  So hear me out for a moment I want you to know that Jericho Ridge is NOT a place where we believe that you are not a whole person unless you have a ring on your finger and a drive a minivan.  You are loved and valued even if we don’t’ always do the best job of communicating that!  (time for amen!) 

Part of this is that our culture can send pretty strong messages about marriage and family but we need to remind ourselves regularly that  

4. The Bible elevates singleness not as a burden to carry but as a gift to be embraced

• “But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another” (Paul in I Corinthians 7:7)

The Bible elevates singleness, not as a burden to carry but as a gift to be embraced.  (Granted, some of you are trying hard to return that gift to sender and find someone to date and marry and that’s OK if that’s what God has for you). 

• Might be for a season of life
• Might be a gift or calling on your life

Some elements of our culture tell you that if you’re single, you are not a whole person.  I Corinthians 7:1 reminds us that “It is good to abstain from sexual relations” (1 Cor. 7:1) – celibate life.  Some people have been given this as a gift from the Lord – it should be honoured and not continually asked of them “so… when are you going to find Mr. or Mrs. Right?”

 Paul says “I wish everyone were single, just as I am”  (I Cor. 7:7).   He says this because there are advantages and benefits to being single, just like there are to being married. 

In Paul’s case, he had the freedom to live out his calling as a missionary more fully as a single adult than if he were married and had to think about the concerns of others (look at 7:32 and following).  What I want us to see here is simply and clearly that the Bible affirms and not only affirms but elevates singleness and elevates and calls us to a live of sexual purity.  Our culture tells us very much the opposite: Our culture tells us “you can’t possibly live a healthy, meaningful life without sex!” and that is just a lie. 

Much more could be said about that but as we move to wrap up, I want to say a few words about The Church and the Single Adult

Remember there are over 36,000 single adults in our neighbourhood. 

5. The church needs to honour singles. Our Mennonite Brethren Confession of Faith says it this way:    
   • “Singleness is honoured equally with marriage and is sometimes even preferred. The church is to bless, respect, and fully include those who are single. Those who remain single may find unique opportunities to advance the kingdom of God. God calls all people, single and married, to live sexually pure lives.” (Article 11, MB Confession of Faith)

So here’s your For Reflection and Response: for this week:  Firstly, to

For those who are NOT currently single… (married adults)

• Pick one single adult in your circle of influence and bless them this week

Write them an encouragement note about something you see that is admirable in their life.  You might find a way to bless them financially or practically this week.  Mow their lawn or give them a gift card for a restaurant or something.  Be attentive to how you can bless them   

• Think of creative and healthy ways to include single adults in your rhythms of life (fun activities, serving teams, meals)

Don’t let your family life close in on just you.  When we had a single tenant, we would invite her over for meals.  Remember, they are not usually going to invite themselves into these spaces so you have to create room for them  

For those who ARE currently single…

• Forgive us when we become too family- or kid-centric in our language or actions  

Cultural patterns and the pull of suburban life is massive.  So we’re going to get this wrong.  Please forgive us.  We’re going to use too many illustrations for our own marriages.  Help remind us of your needs so we can grow in Christ together. 

Lastly, if you are a single adult…

• Offer the gifts you have to God and let God use you in powerful ways!

Some of the incredible gains for the kingdom of God have been made in history by single adults.  That might be you.  God might be inviting you into a time or season of serving in a way that marriage might prevent you from doing because it would divide your focus.  Embrace that and walk into it. 

In a few moments, we are going to move into a time of communion. One of the ways we are going to live this out or enact this is that we are going to have Single adults be those who serve communion.  So I want to invite those who are serving to come and take your place at the table.  Jericho Ridge, I want you to see and celebrate that our family includes amazing single adults.  And our desire is to see more singles who currently do not know and love Jesus become part of this community of faith.  So as you come forward, take a moment to pray and thank God for the single people in your life.  Singles, take time to ask God to give you grace.  This table is an expression of that grace – the bread represents the body of Christ, pieced on the Cross some 2,000 years ago, broken that you and I might experience wholeness.  The fruit of the vine, the grape juice, represents the blood of Christ. Life itself, given and poured out so that you might experience life.  At Jericho, the table is an open, meaning that all who are part of God’s family – married or single – are invited.  I’m going to pray and then Jared and Ruth Ellen and the team will come and lead us in 3 songs or response, spend time in personal preparation, whenever you are ready, you come to the table – take the bread and cup, you can take it back to your seat and partake as your act of worship and thanksgiving to God.           

Let me pray a prayer of blessing: For those who are single, may Peace be upon you in the name of the King of life; The peace of Christ above all peace, The Lord’s blessing over you. May God the Father be the guardian of your heart And bring His peace, That fear and nothing impure may enter. May Christ be a chosen companion and friend. May loneliness be banished. May the Spirit bring lightness and laughter, And be the comforter of tears. May we as your church honour, love and respect you and may God use you in ways that exceed all you can ask, think or even imagine.”      

Benediction: Prayer of Abandonment by Charles de Foucauld

Father God, I abandon myself to you. Make of me what you will. Whatever you make of me, I thank you. I am ready for everything I accept everything. Provided that your will be done in me, In all your creatures, I desire nothing else, Lord. I put my soul in your hands, I give it to you, Lord, With all the love in my heart, Because I love you, And because it is for me a need of love To give myself, To put myself in your hands unreservedly, With infinite trust. For you are my Father!