Parenting During a Pandemic

 “Parenting During a Pandemic” // Text: Ephesians 6:1-4

 Message @ Jericho Ridge Community Church – Sun, June 21, 2020 Father’s Day

Hello friends, welcome here.  My name is Brad and I’m part of the teaching and leadership team here at Jericho Ridge and I’m a parent of two teenagers.  Today I want to talk to you about parenting during a pandemic.  Even if you are not a parent of children at home, you’ll want to stick with us because there are some principles we are going to explore that have application for all of us.  So let’s dive in together, shall we?     

On April 21, a month after shelter in place orders were given, Farhad Manjoo, who is an opinion columnist for the New York Times posted a photo on Twitter.  In typical childish handwriting, his 7 and 9 year-old kids presented he & his wife with a list of demands.  The note reads as follows: “We would like to have some power in this house. Example: control bedtime. How long our walks are. Where we get to watch TV. If you do not sign, we will declare war on the parents.”  

The post was liked almost 60,000 times and commented on by almost 8,000 people.  Manjoo wrote about it in an op ed piece in the New York Times the follow day where he said this: “Attempting to work full time while rooming with, feeding and educating one or more children during the pandemic is not going well — not for me, and not for most people I know. Though we are embarrassingly indulgent of self-care, neither of us feels as if we are doing anything other than failing at everything, every day.” 

Parenting is hard at the best of times, friends.  And these are not the best of times.  So we wanted to check in with you on this Father’s Day weekend and ask “How are you… Really?”  Whether you are a teacher, a parent or you have people around you who are parenting children of whatever ages, there is a sense of exhaustion that I am finding has settled in.  At the start of COVID-19, it was kind of fun – we were all together and sleeping in.  Then we moved into the “Let’s be productive” phase. Then we went through apathy: “the kids are in charge of themselves” phase, and now, after a few months, our nerves and emotions are raw and near the surface a lot of the times.  There’s a sense that even though we are going into the summer, there is no relief in sight.  Activities are cancelled; holiday plans are up in the air and we’re not yet sure what new normal will look like. 

Even in ordinary times, as I parent, I experience stress about raising children.  I wrestle with questions like ‘am I doing this right?’ How will this decision impact how my kids turn out?”  But during a time of higher stress, I am finding I have to lower my expectations and have new goals: stay married. Survive. Keep the kids from running away from home.  Eat more than ice cream for dinner.  Parenting hard at the best of times. And these are not the best of times.  So I want you to give yourself some grace if you don’t feel like you are knocking it out of the park as a parent in this season.    

Today, I’m going to invite you to join me and we’re going to look into the Bible for a source of both inspiration and instruction.  While the Bible is not a “how to” handbook on parenting, in the New Testament book of Ephesians, there is a concise instruction to both children and parents to help both parties not only survive but thrive.  If you have your Bibles, you can look with at Ephesians 6:1-4 – the words will come up on the screen.     

The first set of instructions is to children: “Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do.

“Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.”

In the first century world into which this was originally written, parents had unchecked and ultimate authority.  Children were mostly seen as unhelpful distractions and burdens until they moved into adulthood and were contributory member of the society.  So naturally, children chaff against this kind of that kind of unilateral “because I said so” kind of authority.

Now, some of us have this verse weaponized against us growing up and so we may bristle at this level of what looks like unquestioning obedience.  That’s why it’s important to note the phrase “because you belong to the Lord”.  In other words, this is a reminder to all of us that children are an image bearer of the Creator.  And so like all image bearers, regardless of their age or the colour of their skin, they are to be treated with dignity, respect and encouragement.    There are no exceptions to this.  

You might remember a few weeks ago I said that all of God’s invitations or instructions are ultimately for our benefit and for our good.  And this is a perfect example of this principle.  Children who walk not with a hollow sense of duty-bound obedience but with a sense of willingness, a desire to honour their parental units, there is a promise.  And it’s a big one – the text says that it will go well with you AND you will have a long life on the earth.    

I can remember as a young child growing up and driving down from Northern BC to the coast to visit my great-grandmother.  She lived in Guildford in Surrey and so I knew we were getting close to her home when we saw the large flag on 104^th Ave. My great grandma Nan lived to over 100 years of age.  And I can remember one time working up the courage to ask her “great grandma, how did you get to be so OLD?” (a bit impertinent, yes).  But I can remember her answer so clearly to this day.  She bent down toward me, she raised her bony finger and pointed it right in my face and said “I OBEYED MY PARENTS!” 

She was living proof to me of the faithfulness of God to this promise.  And so I’ve tried to live into that.  Not always perfectly.  And not in every season of my life.  But now that I’m a parent, I understand in an even more significant way the challenges and responsibilities that come with the role.   If you want your children to honour you, you have a live a life that is worthy of respect and honour. This is one of the challenges of being a parent. 

This is where the text focuses in verse 4.  Let’s keep reading: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.”

The first admonition is a negative one – something to be avoided.  DO NOT: Provoke.  You provoke someone when you do things like

• Unreasonable blame – you are in a foul mood and you make it their fault, even though it isn’t correlated to their actions
• Uncertain temper – if you are angry and boiling over one minute and sweet the next, the unevenness of this is a real challenge.  
• Inconsistent standards- If your kids don’t know what is expected of them or if expectations shift and change and are out of reach, there’s a very real problem that settles into that relationship. That is:  

Result: Anger

When we don’t understand the WHY behind the WHAT we often experience fear, frustration & hurt

When we feel unheard, unloved, unrepresented – and now we’re not just talking about kids and parents but about things like Black Lives matter or issues of injustice against our indigenous sisters and brothers in the Kwantlen nation, the Katzie people the Semihamoo first nation.  We are talking about injustice against persons of Asian or South Asian descent who are singled out simply because of the colour of their skin…. There is anger there which has a long history of provocation.  Anger comes often from the way that we have been treated. 

Some of you have grown up with his kind of hurt in your lives.  You have an anger toward others that seethes just below the surface.  This frustration and hurt has built into resentment and resentment has built into anger.  And one thing I would say to you is that the next generation is watching. 

Novelist Alan Paton notes that great anger is often rooted great love. We get angry when someone or something we care about is hurt or threatened.  The fiercer the love and the greater the good at statek the more intenst our anger can become.  This is why anger can take hold in family relationships.  So parents, in this season, I would encourage you to pay attention to your anger.  We’re going to talk in two weeks about handling complex emotions and so I’ll have more to say about it then, I hope you’ll be with us. 

But the second instruction is a positive one.  The role of parents, mothers and fathers, is not just to not get angry, but flipping to the positive, to bring children up with the discipline and instruction that come from the Lord.  The concept here has to do with…

Do: NURTURE. With helping others flourish. Effective nurture happens when 2 things are in place. 

• Discipline: Correction (keeping you off of the wrong path)
• Training: Guidance (setting you onto the right path).

All of us need both of these impulses and supports in our lives.  We need corrective nurture.  People around us to tell us where we are off base and where we are falling into patterns of thinking or living that will harm ourselves, the environment and others.  And we also need people not just who can tell us what NOT to do, but who can model and show us what TO DO. 

This is one of my pet peeves about churches and Father’s day.  On Mother’s day, the usual fare is to laud and lift up mothers and mothering as a value and Godly instinct and action.  And on Father’s Day, the pastor usually rails on and on about what a bunch of losers dads are and how they need to get it together. 

But fathers of Jericho, I want you to hear today that I know many of you.  I know how complicated and how hard it is to be a dad in today’s world.  I know how much push back there is and how some of you have not had the befits of blessings of good modeling.  But I also want you to know that I watch you and I think many of you are doing a good job.  You are, by the grace and strength that God has given you, trying to find that complex balance between correcting and guiding.  You are working to find places and things to encourage your children in – be they 2 or 22 or 62. 

So one thing I want to say to you this Fathers Day is give yourself and those around you some grace.  If you are a kid, know that your parents have never parenting through a pandemic before and so we are learning how to do this for the first time. 

Parents, it can be so easy to be provoked or to provoke others in this season.  But the way we treat each other matters. And the way that we live our lives matters.  So dads, take up the challenge to find out how to nurture your kids well in this season.  Nurture them spiritually,  Nurture them emotionally.  Nurture them intellectually.  Maybe start a new habit like a weekly breakfast date together.  No, you won’t be able to meet all of their demands or needs all of the time – that’s what a Heavenly Father is for.  And yes, you will fall short sometimes.  But that’s normal – not just in this season, but in any season of life. 

And as a church, we are learning how to support all of you in new ways.  If you are a parent of a young child, you have already received a summer packet from Pastor Jenna.  This is filled with activities and steps you can take to nurture your child’s faith and development as a Jesus follower in this season.  If you need extra support, don’t hesitate to reach out to us. 

If you are a parent and you want to reach out and ask for more help and support, go to Jerichoridge.com/connect and fill our your details and indicate that you would like a copy of Jim burn’s book “Confident Parenting’.  I read this a few years ago and we have multiple copies to give away to you.  In it, you’ll find helpful topics on replenishment, on overcoming negative family patters and how to create a grace-filled home.  So fill out that connect card now and we’ll get this book to you. 

I also want to remind you that we would love to pray with you.  Some of you as parents might feel like you are at the end of your rope and you just need someone to listen, to encourage you.  You can email us at or phone the prayer line right now at 604-629-7805.  On Sunday mornings, our pastoral team is here live to engage with you and outside of that, we’ll be back in touch quickly. 

Let me pray with you as we conclude this portion of our time together:

God our Father,

we give you thanks and praise for fathers young and old.

We pray for young fathers, newly embracing their vocation;

may they find courage and perseverance

to balance work, family and faith in joy and sacrifice.

We pray for fathers around the world

whose children are lost or suffering;

may they know that the God of compassion

walks with them in their sorrow.

We pray for men who are not fathers

but still mentor and guide us with fatherly love and advice.

We remember fathers, grandfather, and great grandfathers

who are no longer with us

but who live forever in our memory

and nourish us with their love. Amen