Dealing with Doubt & Depression

Good morning, everyone! I’m grateful to be here with you today from Campbell River, on the island. Thanks to Brad for the invitation and thanks to the worship and tech teams for their coordinated efforts to make all of this work. I first became familiar with Jericho through Brad, Meg, Jared and Sophie, through my work with them at Camp Bob. I know many of you have had the opportunity to come to camp and have given generously toward camp with both your finances and your time and labour, and we are so grateful for it! 

It’s good to be back with you all - since the last time I was with you almost two years ago, I’ve graduated from Ambrose University with a theology degree, and have gotten married to this guy - Nathan (slide pic). We had a “covid wedding” this past May with just our immediate families,  and we are desperately looking forward to being able to party with our friends and family in the future. This has been a year of deferred hopes and heartbreak for many, myself included. I graduated in April, and was not able to find work until almost the end of November. I found myself turning to new hobbies like gardening and flower arranging as the months dragged on, looking for signs of life and rhythm and trying to find a sense of grounding amidst heightened anxiety.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has been coping with more things than usual. There has been much this past year that has been so difficult. Personally, I experienced an all-time low in the state of my mental health. I found myself angry that I had spent many years getting a degree, and yet I couldn’t find work. I was angry that Nathan and I couldn’t go to Alberta to see his grandfather one last time, or to later participate in his grandfather’s funeral. I was disappointed when my graduation and wedding celebrations couldn’t happen in the usual way. I was worried when people I love got COVID. I became more and more anxious as I noticed my mental health and overall capacity to do life “normally” slip away. Maybe you have experienced similar things this year, or perhaps your grief has looked different. 

When Brad asked me to speak, he gave me the option of a few different Sundays and topics within the story of Job. This particular week stood out to me because just like Job, I’m mad at God too. So as we go forward today, know that I am preaching to you, but also myself. 

Through the first few weeks of this series, Brad has encouraged us to maintain a sense of perspective regarding where we find ourselves in relation to the story of Job. Truly he suffered a more grievous set of events than we have this year, and we are right to remember our privilege. Today’s passage, however, gives us a glimpse into some of the darkest days of Job’s inner world, and I believe it invites us into a less-practised way of communicating with God. While we need to be given perspective checks, we also need to go inward and address the very real anger, confusion, and despair that occurs when pain is present in our lives. 

PASSAGE 

I’m going to read sections and do a bit of summarizing from Job chapter 19 today, so if you will open your Bibles and apps to that chapter, we will start with a summary:

Verses 1-6 are Job’s response to his friends who have “tormented” and “crushed” him with their words and platitudes, and attempts to find a reason for Job’s suffering. He essentially tells them to be quiet, and if I did sin, it’s my business only! 

Starting to read in verse 5: 

5 If indeed you would exalt yourselves above me  and use my humiliation against me,

6 then know that God has wronged me  and drawn his net around me.

7 “Though I cry, ‘Violence!’ I get no response;  though I call for help, there is no justice.

8 He has blocked my way so I cannot pass; he has shrouded my paths in darkness.

9 He has stripped me of my honour and removed the crown from my head.

10 He tears me down on every side till I am gone;  he uproots my hope like a tree.

11 His anger burns against me; he counts me among his enemies.

12 His troops advance in force; they build a siege ramp against me and encamp around my tent.

13 “He has alienated my family from me; my acquaintances are completely estranged from me.

He goes on to describe the deterioration of his relationships in greater detail, then ends his comments on what God has done to him with this final sentence in verse 21:

21 Have pity on me, my friends, have pity, for the hand of God has struck me.

BODY 1 - orientation in the passage

This passage is Job speaking a response to one of his friends that you heard about last week. You know, those friends whose advice seemed well intentioned yet completely missed the mark? In this chapter, Job essentially says “enough!” and maintains his innocence in response to his friends, yet he also takes an interesting step in addressing God. 

Job gets mad. Job gets really mad. 

As Brad laid out for us in the first week of the series, Job’s suffering is not a punishment from God, but we begin to see that Job wants to know what he has been accused of. He knows he’s innocent, so because he has no knowledge of the scene with the accuser at the beginning of the story, he is left to decide that God has become his enemy. 

Here’s the thing: Job is not wrong! He doesn’t have the background knowledge of the heavenly scene with God and the Accuser, but he isn’t wrong in his assertion to God regarding his suffering. By God allowing the Accuser access to Job’s life, this misfortune has come upon Job via God. Job infers that God’s action towards him has not been just, and does not line up with the retributive justice that was understood to be how God works in the world at the time. The problem of Job is not the suffering, but God’s (up to now, silent) role in his suffering. 

We begin to see the lack of answer from God chip away at Job’s resolve to only speak well of God. His grief opens up an avenue for him to address God and even accuse God where he sees injustice is being done. 

When was the last time you accused God of something? Now, I’m not advocating we all spin in that direction immediately, but for those among us whose grievances run deep and remain a sore spot and a hindrance in intimacy in relationship with God, a little honesty may go a long way. 

Here’s the thing: God can handle every ounce of our humanity, and does not love us less when we question God. We do a disservice to our relationships with God to not be honest about what we really think about our pain and grief.

Emotions like anger, doubt, confusion, and experiences of depression are often deemed “negative” and can be interpreted as signs of weakness both personally and spiritually. If you’re going to suffer, you must do it stoically, faithfully, with resolve, and never let the emotions consume you. Heaven forbid your struggles with mental health make your relationship with God more challenging. We internalize the messaging of Job’s friends, which is still widely available to us today. If I check the boxes, do the right things, say the right things, maintain the right attitude, stay calm, cool, collected, and trusting 100% of the time, things will be good. We aren’t told these things explicitly, usually, but it comes in the form of well-intentioned remarks in the style of Job’s friends.  

As we have already discovered, this does not prevent suffering, and it doesn’t make you feel great once you are in a state of despair, grief, or anger. 

Take a moment right now to check in with yourself. This year has had its difficulties. Either you, or people you are close to, are likely grieving the loss of people, events, celebrations, and any number of ordinary joys. We are not going to engage in the suffering olympics at this point, but rather, we are going to acknowledge that each and every one of us has a nervous system and brain chemicals and complex emotions that deserve to be acknowledged in our relationships with God. 

When was the last time you felt you had the permission to actually *feel* your grief and your emotions, and bring those very vulnerable parts of yourself before God?

It’s here that I want to highlight that unlike Job, you do not need to be alone in your processing of emotions. I would encourage you to reach out to Brad or others that you have relationship with on the Jericho leadership team - they are here to walk through life with you, and they will be able to connect you with resources and guidance relating to your particular situation.

BODY 2 - grief vs. anger 

Now here is where I would like to make some distinctions between terms I have been using throughout this sermon so far and clarify a few things. 

First, there is no clear path through grief. We used to think of grief in stages: you had denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Once you journeyed through the stages you would arrive at acceptance and life would carry on. We now understand grief to be a completely unique cycle for each individual - everyone weaves in and out of depression, anger, denial, acceptance, and bargaining. We often will return to a particular aspect of grief we have already encountered, even after months or years “away.” 

We experience a variety of griefs: there are those that have the potential to shatter us, there are those we feel collectively, and there are those which arise out of disappointments, deferred hopes and dreams, or natural life transitions such as moving, a shift in relationship with others, etc. GRIEF is what Job is experiencing. His friends came to sit shiva with him in his complete and utter state of loss. 

Anger is a part of the grief process, and it is known as a secondary emotion. It is called “secondary” because it is often prompted by hurt or vulnerability. Our bodies and minds use anger as a defense mechanism against hurt, humiliation, rejection, frustration, or fear. The way that we can get to the heart of what is bothering us or what grieves us is through our anger. When we avoid our anger completely, we are often unable to access the catalyst emotion or event and process it in a healthy way. This requires effort and intention from us, and often this process through anger is both incredibly revealing and incredibly freeing. I believe even though we are observing Job’s anger, we are also observing Job’s freedom. Now back to the story.

BODY 3 - the fear of the Lord & bitterness 

We left off with Job and he was angry. So very angry. There is another portion of the chapter I’d like to go to right now, starting in verse 25:

25 I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth.

26 And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God;

27 I myself will see him with my own eyes—I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!

Near the end of this chapter, after all his sharp and confident assertions toward God, Job affirms the sovereignty of God in the midst of his anger. I would like to put forward that this is key for avoiding an all too common issue of anger turning into bitterness. Job’s ability to express himself to God through both anger and still affirm God’s sovereignty is actually a form of soft strength that exercises his vulnerabilities so that he does not form calluses on the tender and grieving parts of himself and become bitter. 

We don’t always get to know the reason we are in pain. Job invites us into a response to suffering that is submitted to God, accepting good and calamity from God in acknowledgment of God’s sovereignty.

Job is given the freedom to express himself before the Creator. Spoiler alert: God never addresses Job’s particular grievances. An answer is never given, but space is given for Job to press deeper into relationship with God through bold vulnerability, instead of the easier route of putting up defenses, or allowing for a cold, stoic, silent bitterness to reign supreme. 

SO WHAT DO WE DO WITH THIS

The wisdom of this particular passage is that we do not need to hide or sugar coat ourselves in the presence of God. Job has a freedom and a permission of sorts to lay it all out before God, with honest questions and an angry lament. 

My challenge to you in this remaining time of worship together and in the week ahead is to take an honest evaluation of your state before God. Not all of us will be burning with rage, or on the verge of tears, or deeply disoriented, but at some level we are connected to the collective grief of our particular moment in history. I hope and pray today that you feel the permission available to you to encounter God with your full self, and every possible emotion.

Here is where I will remind you again to not go through this process alone. If you find you have some angry words for God, reach out to a trusted friend and allow someone to sit with you in your pain. If you are a parent, how can you give your child permission to experience anger and process it in a healthy way? Teach your child that anger is normal and secondary, and see if you can tenderly hold the vulnerability that lies beneath and teach your child to see it as well. 

All of us: single, partnered, parents, grandparents can do well to examine our anger and search for the vulnerabilities beneath. For some of us, anger is an age-old practise. We are good at that part, but we haven’t peered beneath it in years. For others of us, we have been too timid to actually express our anger to God - our anger bubbles up but we push it down and try our hardest to stay meek and mild, putting up a veneer of trust and faith that we have to use so much effort to maintain. 

While we typically won’t receive an explicit answer from God, we can engage, just as Job did, in honest dialogue and questioning of God, expressing in a very human manner the deep anguish of our souls. 

PRAYER

Gracious God, we come before you honestly. We bring our entire, messy, maybe angry selves to you in this moment, and we take comfort in the fact that you know what it is like to walk this earth as a human. May your spirit guide us and be near to us this week in our grief. Keep us from bitterness, and keep us honest and vulnerable before you. We cling to you, Emmanuel, God with us. Amen.